To sprog or not to sprog?
I have decided to dog!
Well, for now at least...
If there are any new life forms coming into my {our?} life,
they will be in the form of a dog!
Lemme explain...
I LOVED reading your responses to my previous post.
Even the replies from the elusive "anonymous!"
They were seriously eye-opening, and I'm so glad I asked you guys for advice.
Since then, I have:
- Watched loads of birth videos {hippies seem to have a penchant for uploading these}
- Read approximately three birth stories a night {this particular one destroyed me with lols}
- Googled some freaky deaky birth pictures which I proceeded to send to Jenna - horrifying her and ensuring I would not have to mentally carry those images alone.
- Bought a baby mag with some bumper "All you need to know!" booklets {I am fairly sure our maid now thinks I am preggers}
- Downloaded a pregnancy app {and subsequently received a gabillion baby-related newsletters which I've had to unsubscribe from}
Did this activate some sort of broody switch? Surprisingly...not. The baby pics didn't really do anything for me although I was strangely moved by a picture of a bear with a thermometer photoshopped into it's mouth. I did, however, found it all completely fascinating - especially those animated videos that show how a baby is formed. That sh*t BLEW MY MIND. I watched while yelling, "Jon, you've gotta watch this - Joooon, the baby has a TAAAAIL!!! A tail! Look at it's spine growing. LOOK AT IT'S SPINE." I could watch those all day long. How insane is it that you can make a human that is a part of you and a part of the person you love {ideally}. I mean, what the actual? That is insaaaaanely cool.
I did have one tummy-flip, though. After working late one night, I found a note on my desk that said "I love you Lauren. Love Abi." Now Abi is my colleague's daughter and she loves pandas so basically, we're like best friends. When I got that note, my tummy fa-lipped - "AHHH, THIS IS IT!! This is what the moms are talking about! I get it now!" There I was, tossing papers about like a nutter and this tiny human had taken the time to write me a note. I was FINISHED.
Oh, I also ended up in a maternity ward after one of my bestie's went into labour {welcome to Earth, baby Dylan!} Ok, those maternity wards do...affect me. I can't help but imagine mysef, lying there in my panda jammies, regaling our families with tales of the sprog's arrival while Tall One checks in on the little nipper....
A few friends have told me in a totally well-meaning way that I am likely to over-analyse this decision {Me? Over-analyse something? HA!} so I took this rather sad but enlightening test...
When I was engaged, I ended up seeing a therapist. My besties figured I was just having cold feet but I couldn't be sure so my therapist said, "If I could offer you the choice of staying in South Africa and getting married, or sending you on a solo adventure to London, which would you choose?"
I'm ashamed to admit this but in my heart, I chose London but in reality, I got married. It's complicated of course but essentially, I didn't want to let anyone down and everything was perfect on paper. Regrettably, I did end up letting everyone down five years later and it was a million times more devastating than if I'd done it then.
So this may explain why I am terrified of making another long-term commitment without being completely sure. I'm rarely sure about major decisions. Eventually I just make them because I have to and hope for the best!
If offered the choice between a four-wheel pram or a ticket to London right now, I'd take the ticket. To holiday, that is! Not to live.
Peeps have also said, "Ah Lauren, you'll make this baby thing work" but right now, I know I would be spreading myself too thin. I can't even stick to a skin care routine, let alone a "must keep the baby alive" routine!
So who the heck knows! Part of me wants nothing more than to get down all my old bears, buy baby biker jackets and take the sprog leaf-crunching but the other part of me is like, "Woah Delilah, you just enjoy your Saturday sleep-ins for like, five more years."
Tall One remains tight-lipped on the subject and I remain in neutral despite my research into cracked n*pples and cloth diapers. I do, however, desperately want a dog! I - LOVE - DOGS. We can't have any as well, we're not allowed pets at the cottage so I'm thinking...
Step 1: Finish furnishing current cottage
Step 2: Convince Tall One that we need to move to a pet-friendly place that has a BATH and a shower later in the year.
Step 3: Acquire two adorable puppies
Step 4: Have somehow stashed stacks of cash {unlikely with current petrol price, London holiday hopes and furniture purchases}
Step 5: Possibly re-visit thoughts of sprogs
I don't like to plan too much as life usually has a delightful plan of it's own just waiting to surprise you!
If anything drastic changes, I shall let you know - hopefully, this all works out!
